Met up with Jac for dinner at Subway again today hahas. Actually it haven't been that long since we last saw each other even though someone never come online at all has been a busy JC student.

Somehow I always feel happier after bullying meeting up with her =)

And I can always whine talk to her about school stuffs/people without being scared that it will spread back to SP LOL

Then bought donuts on the way home! Trying not to think of the unhappy things anymore haha

Have to focus on assignment >.< Storyboards are due on mon and I've yet to start drawing even one (total probably will be around 60...) And still have to prepare a ppt about my story idea =(

Lucky tomorrow no sch Hehe

Repeating days after days of lessons weeks after weeks, it seem as if life is getting mundane and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Of course, peaceful days where nothing bad happens to me are great, but when nothing else except classes and lesson exist in my life anymore, it's when things starts to get a little lonely and boring.

And I feel as if I had lost/been out of touch with lots of things... People, (friends, relatives, ppl I use to know), activities (club, cca, events) and many other things. Maybe I didn't put in enough effort to keep contact; maybe it was just meant to be; maybe that's just the sort of person I am...a passer-by in others' life, never meant to leave behind anything of significance.

And it's not even as though I'm putting my everything into my studies, I'm still slacking... I seem to be never able to accomplish anything...

I'm just drifting further and further away, getting lost within myself, getting cut off from everything outside my own tiny world... Knowing nothing, doing nothing, a good for nothing...

N I was told that emo-ing shorten lifespan...

I thought my mood is finally slowly changing to be better.. I thought people understand..

Well, I thought wrong. And again and again, my mood is spoilt.

I really though I can go back to living normally with a happy mood always, it's not like I also want to keep emo-ing. But how can I stop when I keep having my mood spoil whenever I stepped onto the path to slowly begin to recover?

Then again, being angry and being in a bad mood is 2 different things. For all the times I've cursed myself for not being able to be angry, I passed off things saying that I simply do not wish to waste my anger on someone trival. Bad mood, on the other hand, plagued me always.

I dislike the me that bottled everything up; that never asks for help because of my dislike to burden others; I dislike myself who always only think about not troubling other people and thus endure all the troublesome things myself.

I dislike even more the parts of myself that do not allow me to just voice out how I feel freely without having to care about how other people think about me behind my back, not to mention my personality in which unless it is a super big thing I would never dream of asking for help. In a corner of my mind, I think, asking for help make me feel as if I am weak and useless as well as dependent.

There is also the part of me who would always think of things to be harder than they actually are and falters before I do it.

Change is important; change is neccessary; change is something much needed and appreciated...change is something I've failed to acheive time and time again...

I still feel somewhat emo, even after trying to talk about it. Talking doesn't solve anything, only when it is acted upon then it will bring about changes. But the actions are really a lot harder than words, and the worst things is I have no idea where to start, how to start.

Perhaps it will gradually become easier, nothing matters if I don't start doing things that needed to be done. Even though sometimes the things that had to be done is clear in your mind, somehow I would just falter when the times come to actually put things into action.

It's one of my bad habit that I seriously need to change, it's something that always causes me to regret afterwards; yet no matter what happens, it's still one of the bad habit that follows me.

Spending the whole weekend at home, I had lots of time to think about various things. I was told before that I do not open up enough to people around me and that is one of the main reason why I don't feel close to them. Yet the only reason I was unable to just pour my heart out is precisely because I do not feel close enough to those people.

Maybe because of that I might not be able to find people whom I can pour my heart out to no matter how long I waited, since the theory goes that way. Most of the time, due to the fact that I do not talk about private stuffs, I feel that I had no right to pry into other's business also; but then again that sometimes give me the feeling as if I am not a good enough friend since I do not care enough to ask them what is wrong.

And even though I understands that everything I experienced was brought to myself with my own hands; every action of mine is what brought about every results and there is no one to blame but myself, there is still the wistful thinking of me being able to change who I am.

Truth is, even though I wanted change, I am aware that in a corner of my heart, I am afraid of changes, for we will never know if things changes for the better or for worse. And I am simply not brave enough to face things if it turned worse. If so, I will rather things stay as they are at a stage where although I might not be happiest, but at least I am content instead of upset.

I am someone who do not know when to act, how to act when it comes to many things. Even when I know how, I have no idea when to start. All I can do is simply watch others move on and gets further and further away...to somewhere out of my reach...

I'm emo! =)

There's no particular reason though. I just feel the emo-ness for no reason at all. I think it's the effects after too many little everyday things which piled up together. I think it's just something I feel every year when school starts, maybe it's just that I can't get use to things yet, maybe I just need time to adapt and slowly take things as they are.

There're many factors in life which we can't control and many things that happened in ways we don't like but can't really do anything about.

There're things that don't go how you wanted them to; things that don't happen the way you wanted them to; things that simply leave you to bitterly think about yet can't change no matter how you try.

Some things, I guess, just aren't meant to be; one can't control the people they meet, the things that happen, the way they are.

Yet I can't help but always think about how things might have been or how things could have been different.

Hence the emo-ness. But after emo-ing, it somewhat makes me happier and more emo at the same time.

I'm just one pathetic person who don't even understand myself.

Feeling really sian again... Thinking back about all the problems, I can't help but feel tired. Be it my problems or not, those problems that somehow concern me one way or another are piling up, and pressing down so hard I feel as if I can't breathe sometimes.

After chatting on msn for some time, was reminded of all the complicated issues around me. No matter how much I pretend to not care, those issues are still there.

And sometimes, I also feel I should rethink my opinion on some people - both gd n bad. Part of the reason is also part of why I feel SP is too complicated for me. Stories of backstabbings are everywhere.

Haiz...

I don't understand the meaning of the word "friends" anymore...

Wee~ I turned 18 today.

But I think this is so far my most boring birthday ever? There was no celebration, no cake and no presents. The only thing I got today was a card from Shiyun where SMIT ppl wrote inside wishing my happy birthday.

LoL, I'm not saying I'm so sad case that I received no presents at all lah, it's just that I've gotten them all before today =="

Went out yesterday in the afternoon with Le En and Monica to get art supplies, then went off to meet Sab, Jac, Yl, Jl and Xq at City Hall for dinner. Felt happy that we're finally all gathering together again after quite some time (I always just see Jac). As expected they gave me some phony presents in the beginning and went to Sushi Tei to eat while trying to convince me that's all they're giving me.

Too bad I knew them too well.

Anyway, we were celebrating Yl's birthday too since it's on the 27th and gave her her presents (though until now I still have no idea what I paid for except tt she felt cheated by one of it lol)

Ate quite a lot, and stole most of Jac's soup while I was at it :P

Xq ran off again after dinner and after walking around with nothing to do, we all went back home as well. Got my present from my mother when I reached home, again, another early present.

Slpt early for lessons today. And I found out that most people had mistaken my birthday to be on Fri, when most of them sang me bday song during the movie outing lol so only a handful wished me happy birthday today...

Went to film a short video for the first lesson, grouped with Le En, Jia Ren, Rix and Fan Yuan and we did a ghost story in which I was the ghost haha. Was fun although there was lots of mosquitoes.

Also had Jap class today which cause me to reach home only at 9, but during the introduction we had to say our birth date too and I got more people to wish me so it made me happier. And before it started Shiyun also came and gave me the card. Thx Shiyun! =)
Saw XJ and Zen at the bus stop on my way home, but they seem to be deep in conversation so I didnt want to interrupt, though they still saw me in the end lol.

Had dinner at 9.30 then had my cake at 11pm (I'm gonna grow so fat) and a new Puma watch from my father hehe.

And now only left one more hour to go before today ends =(

PS: Hope next year I will get all my presents and people wishing me on the actual day lol

The GP movie outing on Fri was fun. They even surprised me and bought a slice of cake, then proceed to sing me birthday song after dinner. Thanks to all of them lol

Forbidden Kingdom was a nice movie too. Enjoyed watching it, although I think I need to say sorry to those who sit next to me since I keep making comments throughout :P

But it was hard to talk with ppl who don't want to listen and don't care about your answer. This kind of ppl sucks. Talking to these kind of ppl spoil my mood.

Hope I won't be bothered anymore...

And a big Thanks to a few people who listened to me rant and gave opinions/suggestions. They rock =)

Slept super early today(wednesday night) at around 7 plus because I was feeling damn sian and emo...

However I woke up at 1 am totally awake and unable to go back to sleep =="

And I found myself a lot happier than I had been for the whole day, not so sian anymore =)

Many people talked to me on Msn today (for some weird reason it always happen when I accidently fell asleep without turning off my computer) so I'm feeling a bit guilty that I never got to reply to any of them since they're already offline by 1 plus.

It's also weird that no matter how long I slept I will always be sleepy and reluctant to climb up for school, yet I will wake up in the middle of the night, too awake and unable to go back to sleep... Kind of wish that I could call people and chat idly for an hour or two, but they're all sleeping already since there's school tomorrow, especially JC students.

I think I'm thinking too much by myself again with nothing to do (hence I'm updating blog) and it's a bad habit I wish I can change easily...since it leads back to me being emo.

That's probably part of the reason I decided to go on Fri to the GPs outing (another part is to accompany Shiyun hahas)

I previously thought my GEMs was at T1, but after thinking it's weird that there's a letter B behind the class I started to look at the map, puzzled - turns out that it's in a Lecture Theatre...

There were so many people inside that I think the lecturer failed to notice me slipping in at the back half an hour late; but the scary thing is that about 90% of them were all guys and apparently I'm one of the few 2nd year there... Wished I can drop it but it's already too late.

Felt really sian in school today too, I think it's because I've slacked too long and isn't quite use to being back in school and following the school schedule. I think I stoned a lot of times today (When I came 1/2 hr early and the lecturer 1/2 hr late / In class / During GEM / At the FOR meeting)

Apparently there's also an assignment due 3 weeks later too.

Hmmmm......

I'm one mess up person.

I don't know what I'm doing everyday, only dealing with things as they come along..

If time could rewind I'm sure I would have gladly changed how I handled many thing...

Let me just curl up in one corner and emo

I really wonder why it’s impossible to communicate with some people, although after all these years, it really shouldn’t surprise me anymore. Some people simply don’t want to communicate; they know it and shoot back at you whenever you tried, without even letting you finishes a sentence.

This type of people only wants to hear the things they want to hear, and say all kind of things about others without bothering to care how they feel – only that they themselves would feel better after saying it. They’re selfish, they know it, admit it freely and refuse to change their ways anyway.

It causes too much problem when they’re living together with other people. They expects too much and demands it to be done immediately after the requirement was not met without stopping to ponder why it was not fulfilled in the first place. They talked about the things they wanted to say; only listened to things they wanted to hear and all else is an offense.

I’m really tired trying to communicate with such a person; sure I can keep up the surface pretense that everything is alright even though deep down we don’t understand each other at all. It’s not like I didn’t try but whenever I did, I was just shoot down by forced reasoning, loud voice and a strong refusal to even hear me out…

Sometimes you just need to sit down and listen, listen to what others think and spare a small thought for them…

Sometimes a passing praise is more than enough to make someone extremely happy instead of just pointing out their bad point; even if it helps them more that way…

Sometimes thinking about things from another perspective is more important than you might think it is…

Haven't update for a few days... Maybe it's because I was feeling sian... I'm not even sure why I'm feeling this sian, but I just am. School reopened today, it might be part of the reason why I feel like this, but then I think the real reasons is the after effects of many problems.

No, I'm not going through any major crisis, but problems are a constant in everybody's life I'm sure. It could be something small or easily solved but sometimes somehow we just lack the small push we need to go ahead and solve it. The answer may be already in my mind although putting it into action is another problem all by itself.

I'm feeling so sian that I don't even have thet energy to emo anymore, perhaps it was because I took the advice of not thinking too hard on the matter of how people thought about me and things are sort of looking up.

I still don't know 2/3 of my new classmates, about half of them I don't even know their names; but unlike first year there was no introduction - it's really up to ourselves to ge to know each other...and most of us are just sticking to the people we already know. Not many made the effort to try to talk to those of another class last year, I guiltily admit that include me because everyone are in their own group - it's just too weird to walk up to them and try to mingle into their 1 year of friendship.

Well, on the topic of friendship...now that school has reopen, I guess the chances to see friends in other courses slim down as well due to all the busy schedule and different timetable; though it might not be as bad as it sound. If we're true friends, not talking for some time won't hurt. At least, I've proven that theory with some of my secondary school friends.

All I feel at the moment is tiredness and sian-ness. Maybe that's life. Or maybe it's just Poly. I don't know. Some things are just way too complicated for me; too tiring to be caught up in; too troublesome to constantly keep up with it. The work load is also going to get tougher from now on, I just hope I will not repeat any mistakes from last year.

Went shopping at Orchard today from 1.30pm on with Enqi, Shiyun, Khoon, Jia Wei, Gavin and Jie Hui (who turned up only at 5 plus). First Enqi, Shiyun, Valerie and me went Paragon to look at Crumpler bags, Valerie bought one while Enqi and I pondered for a long time yet didn't buy it in the end - $98 is just a tad too expensive...

After that Valerie left and we're joined by the others and went Kino - first time that I didn't buy anything there though. Bumped into Qiu Mei who was alone and her foot wasn't healed yet. I wandered off while Enqi and Shiyun talked to her and she's gone by the time I came back...

Next we went to Guess where Enqi bought a $59.50 wallet and went for lunch at KFC since everyone was starving, and then left for Far East Plaza where we were joined by Jie Hui and walked around looking for clothes. I bought a new shirt there (I think I spent the least among us girls) at $22.90.

After walking from 1.30 to 8.30 I was dead tired and my legs hurts as we sat MRT home. But halfway decided to meet Marissa at Bugis for dinner (I drank soup since I wasn't hungry) and we gossip about things =)

So I reached home at ten plus and I still walked home from the MRT station to save the bus fare; it resulted in me collapsing upon reaching my room, yet there're still a lot of stuffs I need to do before I can sleep...

Today was damn tiring but fun, I guess; talked and laughed a lot with the others, but was a bit sad that many people didn't turn up in the end.

I found out that my ability to emo is ZERO on a scale of one to ten after a tiring day... I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing or which is better - being dead tired or emo-ing at home. Though going out like that once in a while isn't bad, except from my mother who keep giving me grief when I said I was tired (So it's perfectly alright when SHE does it and completely wrong when I did it =.=) .

Oh yea, I finally went and highlight my hair on Wednesday for $80, the colour came out a bit darker than expected but I was told that it'll gradually turn brighter as I washes my hair. Many people commented that it was too expensive, oh well, it's already done lol

School also reopens on Monday so I'm feeling rather sian right now just thinking of it, although I'm quite excited to meet all the new classmates the amount of work just sucks. I also discovered a huge mistake I made while choosing my GEMs which is on Wednesdays. My lesson at T20 end at 1pm while my GEMs at T1 starts at 1pm. I suppose I'll just fly over right after my lesson end...or pray the lecturer understands my dilemna.

Lastly, I'm horrified to discover that I'm sick... Cough + sore throat (pain whenever I swallow together with slightly no voice) but I haven't decide to see doctor or not yet

I think I definitely thinks too much at times, but I just can’t help it. Thinking too much lead to me being emo, so I guess I found out why I always emo too much.

People often tell me not to emo anymore, but I find that hard to do, because I am already used to think about everything that ever happened to me. But, for a future with less emo-ness, I shall try to think less of things from now on. I've discovered that thinking too much doesn't really help things, it only serves to make myself even more unhappy; many people also comment that I am too emo.

Maybe I'm really an emo person, who always thinks too much; but I thought that perhaps I can try to be happier and that I will start today by not posting another emo post. =)

Cheers to everyone

Some people might collapse from doing too much, some people on the other hand falls to having nothing to do. It's nearing to the day that school reopen and I'm getting restless at home with nothing interesting to occupy my mind.

I feel tired when I look at my computer. I feel like sleeping when I think of shows and manga. I feel most tired when I thought of what had happened, what's happening and what will happen/what might happen.

I feel tired from thinking so much, yet I can't help not thinking about it. Too much stuffs are happening around me right now and too much had happened in the past year.

Now that year 2 at SP is going to start in less than a week, I can't help thinking what will happen in this new (academic) year. The assignments' stress will certainly be there, along with the relationship with friends' problem; what's more, all the bgr problems will be following without a doubt.

I find myself mentally exhausted.

I think I'm not the only one, just that no one's showing it.

I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it in; I'm not sure how much more until I reach my limit; I'm not sure when I break down if I did; I'm not sure what I will do when that happened.

I always tell people not to think too much, because in the end the only one to suffer is yourself. I'm sorry to whoever I said that to, because I can't even take my own advice so what rights did I have to lecture you?

I can keep on giving pretty advices to other people, but there's no point if I cannot folow my own advice.

I want to be carefree, maybe I look the part to some people but my heart has always been heavy.

I really cannot get some people, cannot understand the words they say; cannot understand why they do the things they did; cannot figure out whether they are being serious or just joking and fooling around.

Maybe I'm just someone who thinks too much and pondered upon the useless stuffs. But people are always complicated and it saddens me that I find myself unable to even understand those around me. Some may wear masks to hide their true feelings, some might wear their emotion on the sleeves and it is precisely the fact that I cannot tell who is doing which that makes me really tired. Tired of always second guessing people, of always wondering what they are hiding in their hearts.

Whatever a person does, I find myself questioning it; whatever someone says, I'll suspect it. Although I want to be able to trust, I find it being an impossible task despite tired of always suspecting and second guessing...

Perhaps I'm not in a position where I can talk about others when I myself often greet the world with a mask on. It is too hard not to, it's too dangerous not to yet at the same time it's too tiring to continue doing so.

Tiring is when I always have to think before speaking or doing something; tiring when someone say or do something and I think about their motive behind it; tiring when people talk together excluding me and I have to wonder if it's about me; tiring when I have so much to say yet no one will be there to lend an ear and I can only keep my thoughts to myself...

Finally the whole FO Camp is now officially over, although happy it is also a little bit saddening that so long of planning and it's over in just a blink.

The real camp was a lot better compared to the prep camp in my opinion in many ways, especially after including shim night and disco night. I don't think I'm including any details since that will make this post into an essay but I'm still waiting to find out which dumb freshie was the one who stepped repeatedly on my right feet during night walk until there's a wound there.

I was really tired from staying for the whole disco night until it ended at 5plus am this morning so I didn't went to eat dinner with the others after everything ended. Although I'm not going to say what it is, but something shocking still happened to me on my way home...

And I am going to hibernate for one whole day and one whole night to recharge =)