"Sabishii no desu" has been my new personal nick for msn recently. It's japanese and it's exactly how I feel. (was a phrase from an anime, but oh well..)

I've been thinking quite a bit for the past few days. Mostly about myself.

I've been living my life so far with, in fact, little interaction with other people.

I don't even know my own neighbours, not even well enough to greet them when we take the same lift, all of them. I can recognize them by face to know which floor or which unit they lived in after 18 years of living in the same place but I never felt comfortable to greet any of them.

From primary school on I've only been making friends from parts of the people in my class and that's after spending a long time interacting with them. Which is why I guess I had such a hard time fitting in when I was in lower sec. I still do, even after coming to SP.

Although I can't be called a cold person, I'm don't exactly warm up to others fast either. Even after becoming closer with others, I find that I'm also not that good at keeping things going. Sooner or later, I drift apart with them again and feel a gap that keep on steadily gets bigger as time goes on.

I guess I'm just not good at keeping contact with others.

Although I might want to talk for hours, I probably would have stare in silence since I can't maintain a conversation long/interesting enough to save my own life. When I thought of that, I will feel that maybe, just maybe, even if I didnt make any contact, even if we are not any closer, at least we can carry on without drifting apart.

Not just friends, but family too.

I guess this sort of wistful thinking would never come true in this realistic world.

我的心真的累了